Can you think of a time when a significant person in your life has just…disappeared? An admired professor who didn’t come to the last class? The last day on a project with no send off? A beloved coach who is too busy counting sweaty jerseys to say a proper goodbye? The lack of a proper goodbye can leave a smudge or even a scar on an otherwise important relationship.
The same is true for mentoring relationships. Saying good bye for a short time or ending a mentoring relationship permanently can be uncomfortable. How do we make sure that the young people in our lives move forward with the confidence and ability to find new mentors in the future? How can we help them feel confident and positive in the face of a mentor ending the mentoring relationship?
First, it is important to make sure that all mentees are aware from the start that the mentoring relationship is time limited. Re-emphasizing the anticipated length of the mentoring relationship throughout the relationship duration helps youth to be prepared for the anticipated transition.
It is also very important to be clear. Children under the age of 10 are magical thinkers. Helping them concretely understand your absence with a calendar can be helpful. Sending postcards counting down the weeks until you meet again gives them a tangible touchstone and reminder.
Older youth also benefit from clarity. Youth between the ages of 10-14 can often internalize or take personal responsibility for negative events in their lives. Make the reasons for ending the relationship clear so that they know it is not due to some imagined personal shortcoming or fault of their own.
Most importantly, remember to celebrate. Reminisce about enjoyable times and accomplishments. Reflect on the ways you’ve grown and changed because of your time together. Share photos or create another concrete reminder of your relationship – it can be as simple as a letter filled with fond memories and proud moments or as intricate as a hand-made picture frame, quilt or collage.
Above all, work to make the ending the basis for a new beginning – whether it’s in the few months when you see one another again or as your mentee moves on to new mentors and new adventures in the future.
A proper goodbye is the first step to a great new beginning!
The Mentoring Partnership 